


Calzona  -  The (Not a )Fairytale.

by neolithicdream



Category: Calzona - Fandom, Grey's Anatomy
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-05
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-06-06 11:23:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6751975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neolithicdream/pseuds/neolithicdream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arizona lost. Callie won. Sofia is going to New York.<br/>It's over now. The Hearing. Their shared life. The life they once planned together, the family they made together. It's gone. It's over.<br/>Nothing remains of the fairytale. It is broken and in tatters just like all their promises.<br/>All that's left is hurt and anger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Board Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> Not the greatest summary. This fic started off as a very anti-Callie, no happy ending fic. But Callie Torres demanded equality and so the story completely changed endings.

"Ok, so, lets get started... we have a pretty full agenda for this Board meeting..."

Chief Bailey began in her usual no nonsense authoritarian tone, "...including finding a replacement Head of Ortho."

Callie Torres flashed a quick brilliant smile back. To some, who'd known her for a long time, it was a smile she'd been using more and more frequently. A smile that seemed fixed in casting plaster at her mouth. Fixed. Rigid. So fixed, so rigid, that it never seemed to move. Not to her eyes. Not anywhere. 

To some, who'd known her for a long time, it was a little unnerving at times.

To some, who'd known her for a long time,it made them wonder if the person they knew still existed

Miranda Bailey smiled back, a quick short smile. At least she hoped it came out as such. Maybe a grimace would have been more honest. She was unexpectedly losing the Head of the most profitable Department in the Hospital. She had concerns as to whether she would soon lose a second Head, her Head of Fetal - Maternal Medicine. As Chief her only concern was the smooth and efficient running of her Hospital. As Dr. Miranda Bailey her only concern was that her Hospital be not just the best but the absolute best it could be. And those two Doctors were absolutely as good as it got in their specialities. As Miranda, the woman, the friend, well she had other concerns, but those concerns had no place here. In her Hospital. In the Board Room of her Hospital. A Hospital she shared, one way or the other, with everyone else in the Room.

"Uhm...shouldn't we wait for Robbins?" Richard Webber asked quietly. The only empty chair was beside his and it was conspicuously empty. He was worried, worried about, worried for the Blonde woman to whom in the past year he had grown so very close. Their friendship had taken him by surprise. His role as mentor to the interns and residents shouldn't have brought them into contact very much and while Doctor Robbins had been a Doctor he had always very much admired she had simply never given him any trouble. As Chief that's what you wanted. Your Doctors to be both brilliant and trouble free. And Robbins had been one of the best and he'd fought for her to come to his Hospital all those years ago. And she hadn't let him down.

She arrived half way through her fellowship, within a few months she'd been thrown in at the deep end as head of an ailing Department. She'd turned it around in a blindingly short period of time. People wanted to work with her, for her. Promising young Peds Surgeons from all round the country soon had Seattle Grace on their radar. She ran a tight ship. Her reputation as a teacher and surgeon matched only by her reputation as a tough but fair taskmaster.

She'd been here for the most tumultuous years their Hosptal had known. The merger and the redudancies when she'd fought, sometimes winning, sometimes not, for her people, her Interns, her Nurses, her Orderlies. The horror of the mass shooting. No doubt that had left scars but she and her then girlfriend had somehow come out of that stronger, better, together. 

Torres was the one he knew better,then. Torres had arrived green and shy as a Baby intern. He'd alway been good at spotting talent and Torres, a confused mess on the outside, exuded talent in the OR. He'd always liked her. It was hard not to once you made any effort at all. She had such an open heart that embraced her patients, her colleagues, even the frazzled not very talented Barista at the Coffee cart. He still giggled at the memory of the day he most unexpectedly found her dancing scantily clad and with abandon in the Hospital basement. She was so much younger then. He supposed they all were. And life had marked them all in the intervening years. 

And changed them too.

 

Torres, Robbins, Grey. Himself. All Board members. All scarred. All survivors.  
Bailey, Karev, Avery. Kepner. They too bore scars.

 

"Is she back yet?" Meredith asked, "From L.A?" She looked around the table, eyes briefly landing on Callie before quickly moving on,"She and Sofia were going for two weeks, Disneyland and Universal Studios and... you know, before..." She didnt have to finish. Everyone around the table knew. One way or another they'd all been embroiled in the bitter custody battle that had ended as suddenly as it began. Even those who hadn't been asked to had taken sides. Everyone had an opinion. Everyone took sides even if they kept it to themselves.

Two colleagues and,to varying degrees, friends, of all of them. Two women whose relationship had played out in front of them. Some had been there from the glorious wondrous beginning. Others had watched the drama play out only from the middle of Act 2. Torres and Robbins,Robbins and Torres. Then finally Robbins v Torres. Like a Shakepearean comedy turned tragedy. Full of heroes and villains. Twists and turns. Superb drama. Drama and thrills.

And there had to be a loser and to the victor the spoils. And Torres won. And Robbins lost. And everyone in the room knew that Arizona had spent the last two weeks with her daughter, trying to give the little girl a trip of a lifetime. Trying to build up a store of memories that would tide her over when her little girl moved a 6 hour plane ride away, to a new life.

Tongues had been bitten when Callie mentioned 5 days ago at lunch that she was missing Sofia so very much. The irony seemingly lost on her. Even Blake squirmed uncomfortably when Callie mentioned how quiet the house was without Sofia giggling in the corner, sweetly admonishing her dolls for some minor infraction. How much she was looking forward to having her home again, that she'd never been apart from her for such an extended period before.

 

The irony hadnt been lost on her though. Callie knew. She understood. She understood that there was no such thing as outright victory. That even when you won, you lost. It was ying and yang. For there to be a victor, there had to be a loser. Nature demanded it.

But what if once upon a time, even if it was a long long time ago, you had shared your heart with the loser, if the loser had shared her heart with you. What then?  
If you once promised to always protect her heart as if it was your own, then did the residue of all that not mean that you felt her loss too? That somehow her loss was also yours? 

Deep down, Callie Torres had known from the very start exactly what she had been doing. She hadnt misinterpreted Arizonas advice on long term relationships. She hadnt heard permission to take their daughter away. What she had done was make a decision. For her. And she hadn't taken anyone else into account. She had done this not because she was self absorbed or oblivious. She had done this because she was done caring.

She wasnt exactly sure when it had begun. All she knew was that once upon a time she was the girl who cared too much. Cared too much about other people's opinion of her. Wanted too much to be loved. To receive from someone the same kind of love she so desperately wanted to bestow. She so desperately wanted to love and be in love and be loved in return. And finally, after mistakes and missteps too numerous to count, had come Arizona. 

And she had felt it, almost from the start.  
The love.  
All the love.

 

Nothing before had compared.  
And nothing since.  
And nothing ever would.  
Nor did she want it too.  
As wondrous as the love was the pain of its loss outweighed it.

 

Arizona had said that to her once. That she could not take any more loss. Well, as it turned out, neither could she.

 

If it had been a fairytale then Callie knew she would be the good Princess whose heart had been turned to ice. By the wicked witch. Except theirs was no fairytale and Arizona was no witch. Her beautiful ex was just a woman who had suffered one loss too many. And in her own pain and confusion she had lashed out and made horrible painful mistakes. Mistakes that had ,in turn ,caused a tsunami of pain and confusion.

 

She had tried, they both had. Maybe it was simply that they were never quite trying at the same time. Maybe they had both been so hurt, so afraid of losing more that they had not truly voiced those fears to each other. Or Maybe they had been doomed from the start.

If it wasnt a fairytale, and it most certainly had turned out not to be, then maybe they had been fated to fail. Or maybe there was no such thing as fate, or maybe you made your own fate and they both sucked at that.

Or maybe it was just life.  
And life sucked.

 

She thought it started in therapy. When the pain got too much she started to shut down her heart. An unconscious decision not to be walked away from again that turned into a conscious decision to be the one to walk away.

And she knew, had known that day in therapy that she was crushing Arizona. Known on some level at least. Known that Arizona wanted to stay, to try, to keep trying.  
But she had made that decision, she had been the one to sever them. 

The irony had not been lost on her then any more than now. All the unfair blame and anger for the severing off of a gangrenous leg against Arizonas express wishes had led, indirectly, to her severing their marriage despite Arizona's tearful pleas.

The leg had been killing her wife. She had justified her actions to herself by telling herself that their marriage had slowly been killing both of them. A slow asphyxiation.

 

And she couldn't let herself think otherwise. Not then, not now. She couldn't let herself imagine a different outcome ever because if she did she wasn't sure what her conclusion would be.

So she told herself she had made the right decision. The only decision, the only rational one. And rationality left no room for doubt or emotions. Of any kind. Arizona wasnt allowed to feel jealous if she dated new people. Rationally they were both free. Rationality demanded that the marriage was over, it was the past and all that was left was the future. So she pushed for a quick divorce, a quick resolution of custody and access and finances and their dream house.

 

And she got angry at Arizona when she didnt move on fast enough, even though she knew deep down that she didnt want to see her with someone new. And those times when she knew Arizona needed her, like when a small plane crash brought back so many of her own memories that she just knew Arizona must be in total tumult, she stayed away. She had to if she was to survive her own decision. And it was easy to rationally convince herself she had been right. 

Arizona hadn't fought her on the divorce, it had all played out almost amicably. People even congratulated them on how well they handled it all. She continued to be in touch with the Colonel and Barbara and when Carlos came to town he and Arizona had shared a coffee once or twice. Arizona's career had flourished, she was an incredible surgeon who had begun to fulfil her immense potential again. Her own career too had gone from strength to strength, her work with the Warriors Project an added string to her bow.

And it was easy for a while. To let rationality dominate. To tell herself the marriage was over so the emotions were too. The love was gone so too must be the anger. And any stray emotion that indicated otherwise had to be shut down. So she shut it down. Shut all of it down. Acted as if Arizona was just a colleague, someone she shared a daughter with but nothing more. Acted as if what they'd once shared had been nothing more than a brief fling, an interlude. Nothing to miss, nothing whose demise was worth mourning.

All that rationality, all the suppressing. In the end it worked. She believed in all of it now. She was right to walk away. Their marriage,their love, all of it had been nothing but a fleeting moment in time. Not worth remembering. Not worth feeling. Not worth feeling anything. So she stopped. Stopped caring. Stopped feeling.

And so they began a weird friendship. One in which they both seemed happy to be complicit. They had coffee and shared funny anecdotes about their surgeries and interns and Callies love life. They laughed loudly when alone together, all bright wide smiles and enthusiasm. It was the fakest relationship she'd seen outside a badly scripted reality TV show. But Arizona went along with it and so did she. Sometimes she told herself that they were doing it for Sofia's sake. Sometimes she even believed it. And occasionally there was a glimmer of the past. When they were each others person. Occasionally they would seek each other out for advice as if the trust and the bond still existed.

She no longer looked for love, didnt want it or need it. The only thing she needed her heart for now was to push blood into her arteries and around her body. That other function of the heart,to feel and to care? She shut that down as a needless distraction.  
The only distraction she needed was physical and she had people lining up for her when she needed that.

 

When Penny Blake came into her life she made her laugh. Penny was kind, warm. gentle. She demanded nothing. And it was just fun and Callie had never experienced that before. She had never been in a relationship where her heart wasn't on the line. Nothing was demanded of her and simultaneously Penny was prepared to be whatever Callie needed, to give her whatever she needed. It was the perfect relationship for someone who no longer had it within herself to care too much.

 

When she told people that she'd met someone special, that Penny and she laughed and finished each other's sentences she knew Arizona would hear. And she didnt care. When she asked Arizona to meet Penny, to go to Merediths party so she could meet her, when she told her that she would like her, she didn't care if that was appropriate or not. She didnt care if it was fair.

She had moved on. She had not been the one left behind. She was not the sad girl left chewing her hair at the back of the class. She was not the victim this time. She would never let herself be the victim again.

 

When she heard that Arizona had finally started dating again she told herself she was relieved. When she'd heard that Richard Webber was acting as wingman she knew it was just typical misheard gossip. Her ex- wife needed no wingman, she could have her choice of women.

And so even more she threw herself into her own relationship. Standing by her girlfriend even in the face of formidable opposition. And for a while life went on. She was happy, no more no less. Arizona, gossip would have it, was happy. Playing the field, back to her old pre Callie slutty self. And Callie didnt care.

Their daughter was a happy child, seemingly undamaged by her parents split. Happily dividing her time between two very loving mothers, two happy homes. Sofia Robbin Sloan Torres was a poster child for an amicable divorce.

And then Penny won the Preminger Grant. And Callie had a choice to make. A choice no one asked her to make. And Callie, the woman who didnt care, cared very much suddenly that no one seemed to care at all. Not Arizona who was clearly so okay with her ex wife's new relationship with the woman she referred to as "your Penny" that she had no problem with Sofia meeting her. Not Penny who was leaving for New York. 

And she wasnt going to be left again. She wasnt going to be the one left behind, all sad and pathetic. Not after telling everyone how she'd never been happier, how the sex was just mind blowing. Not after choosing her over her friends. Not after rubbing Arizona's face in it. She was no victim, not anymore. And she refused to be seen as one. 

Callie Torres walked tall these days. And she intended to keep it that way. Even if she had to walk over others to do it. 

 

"Oh, she's back alright, she's here. They got back last night, she's just avoiding me,like the spineless coward she..."

"Torres!" Webber might no longer be Chief but to those around the Table who'd started their careers with him as such he would always be the Chief. And a rebuke from Richard Webber bore authority.

But Callie was angry, angrier than she could remember being. Last night Sofia came home and told her she didnt want to go NewYork anymore. She'd sat down with her daughter, before Arizona involved lawyers, and told her all about this great new adventure they were going to go on. How they were going to go to the Big Apple, the City that never sleeps. See all the sights. And Sofia seemed more excited than anyone. 

And that was true. Almost 6 year old Sofia Torres loved new adventures. And she was so excited that Penny was going to be there too. She liked Penny. Penny was fun. Penny bought her two scoops of ice cream when both Mommy and Mama only ever allowed her one.

And Mama was going to visit all the time too, Mommy had told her so. She saiid Mama could visit as much as she wanted and Sofia knew that meant lots cause Mama always told her how much she missed her when she was in Mommy's house. So New York was going to be the funnest place ever with Mommy and Penny and Mama and going on boat trips to see the Lady with the Liberty and horse rides in this big gigantic park in the middle of the City and it was going to be the biggest adventure ever. 

But now after two weeks with Arizona, two weeks she had only agreed to because she'd felt sorry for her ex, sorry for the broken woman she'd seen after the Judge made her decision,suddenly Sofia was refusing to go. Last night shortly after Arizona dropped her off, Sofia had gotten really upset. In the end she'd been close to hysterical and had cried herself to sleep.

 

"I get it Richard, you're on her side, you have made that perfectly clear. I'm Big Bad Callie and she's poor little Arizona, well let me tell you just how...."

 

"Enough!" 

Two voices rang out in unison. Meredith Grey and Miranda Bailey almost totally in sync. What might have been said next was lost as the door opened and an exhausted and harried looking Arizona entered muttering an apology before stopping in her tracks, the tension in the room was palpable and a blind Man would have noticed the thunderous look on Richard Webbers face. A quick glance at Callie saw a matching look, for once not directed at her. She told herself she was immune to them anyway now. She knew that wasn't true.

 

Before another word could be uttered by anyone Miranda asked, "Arizona, how did the surgery go? Are the...." She paused and looking pointedly down the table added, "A mother, carrying twins, 22 weeks gestation was brought in last night following a collision on the Freeway, Dr. Robbins was paged at 9pm." 

Callie had the good grace to look ashamed. Arizona had dropped Sofia back just before 8pm. Arizona had stayed in the car. They hadnt actually spoken directly to each other since the day of the hearing. All communication now by text or intermediary. She wasnt even sure Arizona had looked her in the eye once since the verdict.

Arizona shook her head sadly, " we couldn't save the Mom, she's on life support but there's no brain stem activity.The smaller of the twins , the amniotic sac...well I, we repaired, she's just hanging on. The other one, is also in distress, if we can keep the Mom on life support for a few days, there's a chance....honestly I think we'd need a couple of weeks if they are to survive delivery."

"Well that can be done, right?" Avery asked. Karev nodded but Arizona interjected, " the baby's Dad wants to...but her parents are the next of kin and they...want to shut off life support, We're going to need to convene the Ethics Committee, lawyers are on their way."

"What the hell is wrong with people? There are babies...why would they bring lawyers into..." Kepner stopped, looking sheepishly at Jackson before catching two other pairs of eyes.

Bailey began quickly "Right so... Now that we are all here..the first order of business is the ongoing difficult financial situation in Dermatology. Overheads are too high and income is too low...we..."

And so the Board meeting dragged on,as it always did,the usual budgetary problems, the usual staffing disputes, minor appointments to be ratified, major vacancies to be filled.

 

"Ok, so just one last piece of business. This of course will be Dr. Torres last Board meeting as she will be leaving on her open ended sabbatical at the end of the week", Bailey looked around. Torres head held high, that smile adorning her face again. Webber frowning, Kepner looked like she might start to cry. Karev and Grey inscrutable as usual, Avery smiling like the Good Politician he'd been raised to be. Robbins looking studiously at her notes on the desk., " All that remains is to wish her well in her future and to thank her for her immense contribution to this Hospital over her time here. I think it's fair to say that she leaves the Hospital a better place, a better Hospital and that she will be much missed as a Doctor and colleague and..."A tiny catch in her throat was just about audible, "...as a dear friend."

Avery started the applause,and everyone joined in, some less enthusiastic than others. As it died down he said, "To Doctor Callie Torres" and everyone repeated his words, all except one, who little more than whispered, "To Calliope". 

And the smile slipped, as anger flared, " oh come on Arizona, don't pretend to sit there and care..." And when Arizona raised her head it angered her even more. The anger she'd seen at the hearing was still there, intensified if anything. And more too, she wasnt sure what it was, pain, grief, sorrow, all these emotions and more suddenly given freedom to roam across her gorgeous face. And defeat. When a solitary tiny droplet seemed to escape from from Arizonas left eye Callie could feel almost uncontrollable anger well up inside her. Arizona had no right, none. Not now, not after all this time. Not after all this time of not caring. Of moving on. Of being fine.

 

" I have patients to check on." Arizona pushed her chair away from the table and was out the door faster than seemed possible.

 

Callie was next, anger propelling her.

 

The rest of the Board stayed in their seats. Silent until Karev said what they all thought , "What a goddawful bloody mess!"

"You should start looking for a new Fetal- Maternal Surgeon, I hear they're even harder to find than decent Orthos." Avery stated. No one else spoke.

 

*********


	2. The Incident

"Stop!" Callie had just about caught up to her, on the walk way over the large Public Atrium near the entrance of the Hospital. For a woman with a prosthetic Arizona sure could move fast when needed.

"What Callie? What could you possibly want from me now." 

 

 

Righteous anger filled her now. The past few weeks, with just her and Sofia, she had de-compartmentalised beautifully. Concentrating on the moment, the precious moments with her gorgeous daughter. Revelling in her infectious laughter, her sunny carefree disposition. She didn't know pain or grief or betrayal. She wished she could protect her from all of that, forever. She knew she couldn't but she'd always thought she'd have more time. That she wouldn't start to lose her little girl just yet. 

She thought she'd lose her to adolescence, that the day would come when she'd say, "Mama, don't kiss me in the schoolyard, I'm a big girl now. It's sooo Embarrassing." She thought she'd lose her to some spotty faced undeserving boy who played football or, even worse, the guitar. When she was in Middle school or if she was lucky Junior High. Arizona had never once dreamed she'd lose her because Callie would take her away.

It was the last unbroken promise. All their other promises lay shattered on the road behind them, the road that brought them here. They'd broken every single one. And yet despite that Arizona hadn't seen this coming.

 

When Callie left she'd thrown herself into her new fellowship. She hadn't fought to save her marriage. She had no fight left in her, so every ounce of energy went jointly into her fellowship and her daughter. It had made the fellowship easier in some ways. She could concentrate without distraction on it when Sofia was with Callie and on her days and weekends Sofia got her full undivided attention. There wasn't a moment in the day to think of what she had lost, of who she had lost, of why she had lost her.

And she still had Sofia, the gorgeous little girl she used to consider her mini-Callie. She didn't think of her in that way anymore. She couldn't. To do so would be to suggest that she still had part of Callie and she knew that wasn't true. Callie was gone. All of her. She had left because she wanted to be free. She had left because she was feeling suffocated by her and her neediness and her failings. And when the woman you needed told you she felt suffocated you couldn't fight that.

Arizona was a pragmatist and a realist and yet she somehow had always managed with all of that to be an optimist. To see the joy. To believe in the impossible. And when she'd met Calliope Torres every cell in her body rejoiced. Theirs had not always been a smooth path but Arizona had always loved her, adored her, worshipped her. 

She had sacrificed for her. She had bent. And had never regretted it. The day they married was the happiest of her life. The 412 days after it were her halcyon days. On the 413th day she boarded a small plane. 

And her world crashed to earth.

 

Looking back she didn't understand it. The others had experienced the same horrors but they didn't come back changed. Meredith heard wild animals ravage her dead sisters body but came back still capable of love, of living. Yang's breakdown had been severe but short-lived.

Why her? Why had she been the one to fail? Arizona was not a woman used to failure. And yet she had failed in the most miserable of ways. And all after she had fought so hard to survive on that wooded mountain. It would have been easier to have shut her eyes and succumb slowly to the darkness. But then she'd see those brown eyes. Callie's. And it seemed those eyes suffused her in warmth on that cold mountain. And she imagined what Callie was doing at that exact moment. How she was feeling. Did she think they were all already dead? What kind of pain and turmoil she would be in. And she knew she couldn't succumb to the darkness, not when she had her beloved waiting for her.

And Sofia. That most incredible miraculous little girl. Her little girl. Theirs. No, she could not succumb to the darkness and leave her beautiful girls behind.

Yet in the end, just when the danger and the horror had passed, that's exactly what she did.

 

Sometimes she hated Callie for not loving her enough to stick with her, other times she wondered why she stayed as long as she did. 

She knew she came back different but she knew also that Callie had changed too after the Plane Crash. The unconditional, unchanging love she thought she could depend on from Callie wasn't there. Sometimes it seemed Callie stayed only because of the promises made, sacred vows,in sickness and in health. For better for worse. 

As things got better they seemed to get worse. Losing the baby seemed to be one loss too many. A loss she believed she experienced alone.

Nothing justified her actions. Not with Lauren Boswell. Not with Leah Murphy. She would always shoulder the Lion's share for that. Especially Boswell. It was unforgivable. She wouldn't have been able to forgive if Callie had shared her body with someone else. The breaking of that vow surely cancelled out any other broken promise.

 

Yet for awhile it seemed that Callie had forgiven. She certainly seemed to try but the trust was gone, the tiny fragile threads of their marriage were too weak to withstand much more and they finally broke apart.

 

Time healed the pain of that final break. She hadn't seen that coming either. Therapy had been brutal, the yelling, the recriminations against past deeds Arizona thought they'd left far behind them. Africa loomed large during therapy, accusations of being abandoned for a grant, of being cast aside for a career were flung about. Now there was an irony if one was looking for one. But at the end of their 30 day separation she had hope.She'd walked in to the therapists office full of hope,like a dead man walking who just didn't know it.

 

Throughout the aftermath things had been civilised. It had hurt, how little Callie seemed to care, how easy it had been for her to discard them, their history. For a little while she had clung to hope. That Callie would change her mind. That after she'd tasted freedom she'd realise it wasn't all that it was cracked up to be. Long after it was rational to hope, after weeks turned into months and months turned into seasons and seasons into years a tiny vestige of hope remained. It was unspoken, not even to herself.

Then Callie met someone. Callie met her perfect Penny.

And the realist in her put her hopes away and started to plan for a future. She didn't want to meet someone like Callie. There could be no one to replace Calliope Torres in her heart but she could replace her in her bed. Maybe one day she could replace her in her life. 

She'd had the great love. Callie had been it for her but she could have someone or more likely maybe a series of someone's. She liked women. She liked women a lot. Always had. So she restarted her life.

She'd had no choice.

 

But Sofia was her great joy. And Sofia was hers. And Sofia was theirs. The last evidence of what they'd once had. Of what they'd once been. And now Sofia was leaving. Sofia was being taken away. And she was losing her. Would lose her. It was inevitable. 

And Sofia was not replaceable.

 

The trip away was magical. They'd gone to the Magic Kingdom. Seen Mickey and Minnie, Donald and Goofy. Sofia had held her hand in the Haunted House and whispered "Don't be scared, Mama, I'm here." Her daughter had her Mommy's heart. They'd eaten too much ice cream and gotten brain freeze and gone to McDonalds and eaten junk food that Sofia never was normally allowed by either Mother. 

 

They built sandcastles on the beach and splashed each other in the sea. Sofia got to choose where they went and what they did. She laughed until she lost her breath, made Arizona laugh till she cried at her antics. And Arizona pushed the Judge's verdict out of her mind until the second last day when Sofia innocently asked her what her house in New York would look like. Would there be a yard, would Dr de Luca be there too? Could she have a doggie in Arizona's house in New York.

 

She didn't understand at first. That Arizona wouldn't have a house there. That when she came to visit she would be staying in a Hotel. When Sofia said "Even at the weekends too?" it became clear that Sofia didn't understand. Didn't understand that things were going to be different now. That New York was very far away from Seattle. That Arizona wouldn't be visiting whenever she wanted just whenever she could. That mid week sleepovers were a thing of the past, that every second weekend would become every third month for two or three nights. That she couldn't just say she wanted to see Mama and her Mama would be there. Except on Skype.

And Sofia got upset. And Sofia got angry. And Sofia asked why.

And how could she tell a six year old who adored both her mothers that it was because her Momma was a selfish bitch and her Mama had been a cheating whore and that sometimes the cosmos played massive cruel jokes on good people. How could she tell her little girl who believed in goodness and rainbows and fairytales and joy and love and smiles and laughter that life was cruel and horrible and love was an illusion. How could she tell their little Princess that her mothers had messed up and she was to be collateral damage.

 

So she didn't. She lied. She told Sofia she would see her more often than she knew to be possible. She told Sofia that nothing would change, not really. She told Sofia that she would love New York. She told Sofia that skypeing would be just like they were in the same room. She told Sofia that she wouldn't miss her because she'd be having so much fun with her Mommy and Penny. That was the one that hurt the most. That was the only one that didn't feel like a lie.

And she assured her that Mama loved her and when Sofia asked her why she couldn't stay in Seattle with her she told her it was because her Mommy would miss her too much. So Sofia asked her if she would miss her too much too. And that's when she had no more answers. 

And Sofia had cried a little and then stopped and had gone very very quiet. Way too quiet for a little girl who Sometimes seemed to wake up in mid sentence and was often seen talking in her sleep. 

 

And this was Callie's doing. This was all on Callie. It wasn't enough that she was hurting her. This time she was hurting their perfect little girl. And that was unforgivable. And for what? A "perfect" Penny. A dime a dozen Penny.

 

In the courtroom she'd been devastated even as the Judge had uttered the words she'd expected to hear since the beginning though she'd hope it would be otherwise.

"I see two loving mothers here, Sofia Torres is a lucky child in so many ways. Both mothers can financially support Sofia, both are excellent mothers, excellent people if the multiple character references are to be believed. It is always regrettable however when parents sit in my court awaiting my decision. A sign that somehow, somewhere along the line the shared respect and communication it takes to raise a child after a breakup has ceased to exist. I am grateful to both of you for the way you have conducted yourselves in my Court. Notwithstanding that harsh things were said and suggested, both of you in your individual testimonies accepted that the other is a good mother. I hope that may indicate that sufficient respect remains between you that it may be used as foundation for you both to rebuild a co-parenting relationship in the future. I have to make a decision here and my decision in no way should be taken to indicate that one mother is somehow less than the other. My decision is all the more difficult for that. I have to decide between two equals.

 

The Judge's words were kind but her decision fated Arizona to being a visitor in her daughter's life. And a visitor was not a mother. Penny Blake would be more of a mother than Arizona would be now. She would be the one listening to her chatter about school. About how little Johnny or Juan or Sean was her bestest friend who was a boy. How Zola was her bestest friend who was a girl. How there shouldn't be so many words in the world cause it meant she had to learn how to spell all of them even the ones in Spanish. How she wanted to be a Doctor when she got all grown up just like Mama and Mami and her Daddy but was it ok if as well as being a Doctor she was a ballerina too? And worked in an ice cream shop too cause she really really loved ice cream!

And would Penny teach her how to throw a punch if the boys picked on her at her new school? And would Penny explain that knowing how to throw a punch didnt mean she had to throw one every time? Would Penny or Callie teach Sofia how to be "a good man in a storm?" How could they teach her daughter what it meant to be a Robbins? Would Sofia even be a Robbins anymore? After a few months would she even want to be? 

After a few months Sofia would still be Sofia but would she still be Mama? 

 

But Arizona was a realist and she knew that in two days she would be watching her daughter walk away from her in the Airport. And she would be there because she had promised Sofia that she would see her off. See her off on the start of a big adventure.  
And she would smile and laugh through the pain of this latest loss. Because she was a Mom and that's what you do.

 

And she would hide her emotions from Sofia because she had to for Sofia's sake. But she didn't have to hide her true feelings from Callie anymore. The days where she hid her pain and anger and resentment deep down to protect Callie were gone. There was no need or desire to protect Callie anymore. She doubted it was possible to hide her anger anyway. 

Not this anger. Not this pain. Not this time.

 

"What Callie? What could you possibly want from me now.You have everything you could possibly take from me already. There is nothing left."

 

Callie ignored the anger, her own cancelled it out anyway. "You know damn well what! You spent the last two weeks poisoning my daughter against New York! And after I allowed you to take her on holidays, after I felt sorry for you and..."

"Our daughter, Callie! OURS!" The entrance foyer and Atrium had stunning acoustics. So much so that The Seattle State Choir had performed there more than once. It did however mean that sometimes loud conversations carried far and wide and this was one of those times.

Heads on the ground floor looked up to hear the source. On the floor above, near the stairs, two females, Doctors if the scrubs were anything to go by, one Blonde, one Brunette, having a very angry discussion. 

 

Arizona took it down several notches. Her anger didn't cancel out the fact that she was a private person, not normally given to airing her dirty laundry in public.

"Our daughter. And I'm entitled to take her on holidays. According to the Judge. So you didn't allow me out of the kindness of your heart. And unlike you I would never do anything to hurt Sofia so quite frankly, Doctor Torres I no longer give a damn what you think I did or didn't do."

"She was excited about New York and moving in with Penny and now she's ...

"She was excited because you neglected to mention one tiny detail. That her Mama was going to be thousands of miles away."

Callie huffed "I said you could visit anytime, or during holidays or.."

But Arizona wasn't listening. She was done listening to her. To the stranger stood before her who bore a remarkable physical resemblance to her ex-wife. But Arizona had known her ex, known her in a way that only love and intimacy and time brings. This woman? Arizona did not know this woman. She was a stranger. She turned on her right heel and walked away

"I'm talking to you... Don't you dare walk away from me!"

Arizona turned back, too quickly, needing to grab the recessed handrail of the balcony to steady herself. Her voice was lower than Callie's, not audible to those below, but to the others walking along past the pair she could be heard clearly. The venom in her response plain too, "Oh, please! You are the Queen of walking away, you're the one who runs, who bails. Throughout our entire relationship you ran. And now you're running all the way cross country." Arizona shook her head, before adding,disdainfully, "I wonder where you'll run to when you suddenly decide your Perfect Penny isn't so perfect?"

"Leave her out of this!"

 

******

 

It was her last day at Grey Sloan Memorial. Tomorrow she would pack up the last of her things and the next day fly to New York. 

With her girlfriend.  
And her girlfriend's daughter.

And when she said that out loud, like she did a few minutes ago in an empty locker room , well it terrified her. Just a fraction but still. Terrifying.  
And exciting. And adventurous. And new. And terrifying.

A year ago she'd been brave, braver than normal for her. A new city, new hospital.A new beginning. Penny Blake didn't have things fall into her lap. Penny Blake was not a woman for whom things came easy. Everything she had she'd got by hard hard work. Including her self belief. She wasn't that person. She wasn't extraordinarily gifted, either physically or academically. She wasn't extraordinarily brave or creative. She wasn't the most outgoing, was never voted most likely to succeed anymore than she was voted most likely to end up doing 10 to 20 in prison. The most extraordinary thing about her, an ex who had broken up with her because they "made better friends than lovers" once said, was her ordinariness.

She was a nice person.A good person. In the right company she could be funny. If she wore her hair down in a loose casual way, with a little makeup, she could be quite pretty. Mostly she wore it up, tied back, taut. It made her look serious, look older than she was. That gave her confidence, at work.

She never expected to meet someone like Callie. Not falling for Callie was never an option. Callie Torres was the stuff of dreams. Gorgeous, confident,brilliant. The shy insecure teenager she once was still lurked inside her though and sometimes she wondered what Callie saw in her. She couldn't quite believe it still, that Callie was hers. It wasn't so long ago that she told Callie she loved her but she could have told her months earlier. And when Callie finally said it back. Wow, just wow.

Of course she'd heard the stories. Of Callie and her ex. 'The golden couple' she overheard a gaggle of gossiping nurses describe them once. And then there was Arizona herself. To say she felt inadequate compared to her was not a sign of insecurity more a statement of fact. The woman was brilliant. The way she operated in miniature was awe inspiring. The way she was pushing the boundaries of Fetal surgery was ground breaking. And of course she was gorgeous. And sweet even if steely at times.

If she hadn't been her girlfriends ex, if Callie wasn't her girlfriend, then she just knew she would have a crush on her. Mind you if every person in the Hospital who crushed on Dr. Robbins stood in line, well the line would go all the way to the Emerald Bar and back.

But Callie was hers now and they were going to New York. A year ago when she came to Seattle she did so so that she could become the best Doctor she could be. As a Doctor she knew she would lose many patients and sometimes it would be down to her. A bad call here, a missed sign there. But she never again wanted to lose a patient because she was not brave enough or good enough. There would be no more Derek Shepherds in her CV. 

In applying for the Preminger she was putting her career above all else including her own heart. She knew Callie could not, would not, go and nor would she ask her. She had too many more important attachments here. And there fledgling relationship might not survive.

Yet Callie was going. She'd gone through a custody battle to do just that. Thankfully she had won but it hadn't been easy or pleasant. Some of Callie's lawyers were hellbent on destroying Robbins character. She supposed that was the norm. She didn't know but nonetheless some of it had been distasteful. Robbins had looked beyond devastated at the verdict yet not surprised. Like a woman who had become accustomed to loss.

She and Callie had left the Court room almost immediately. Callie had wanted to celebrate and they had, several times. Just as they left she'd caught a glimpse of the Blonde woman, head in hands, stock still.. Her lawyer patting her back in comfort. Winning was wonderful, she had decided, but winning at someone else's expense, not so great.

 

She'd just completed her last morning round and was walking in the direction of the Boardroom in the hope of bumping into Callie for a coffee or something. She heard them before she even saw them.

 

*****

 

"Leave Penny out of this! Its not about her, This is between me and you."

"She is taking my place, replacing me! So NO! I'm damned if I'm leaving her out of this."

"I knew it, that's what it's been all along, you're jealous..." Callie practically hissed at her, "... The custody hearing, everything, you can't handle that I've moved on and you're ..."

 

Arizona took two steps forward so she was practically in Callie's face, "You think I'm jealous of Blake?" The laugh that accompanied her words was bitter and disbelieving. "Of all the things I might feel for her that is not one of them! Anger? Yes! I am so angry that she will be playing Mommy with my daughter while I'm 3000 miles away. Distrust? Yes! because I don't know her and a stranger I don't know will be raising my little girl, and that terrifies me but jealousy? No. If anything I pity her."

"What?"

"You love her. You are so in love with her. She's the one. The one you choose to spend your life with, right?" Every syllable dripped with sarcasm. "But what happens when she's no longer making you happy? When she's no longer perfect? When you're not happy?"

 

Callie shook her head, "What are you..." But Arizona was on a roll now. If this was the last time they ever spoke in any meaningful way then she was going to say her mind. She was not going to be silenced this last time.

"Maybe it will be because you realise your career is in the toilet. Working for a second rate boss in a second rate Hospital. Maybe it will be because Sofia resents you for uprooting her from her life. Maybe it will be because its just too stifling living in a small two bed apartment in the middle of New York. Whatever the reason you'll blame Penny because you sure as hell won' t blame Callie, will you? Yeah I should feel sorry for her because the moment it gets hard it will be all her fault. Suddenly Perfect Penny won't be so perfect and Poor Callie..."

"Stop! I love Penny."

"You don't know the meaning of the word."

Callie pushed her away, Arizona stumbling slightly, "How dare you say that to me?"

Arizona clenched her jaw, "You never loved me." 

 

There it was. The truth. Even after they'd ended, after she tried to make sense of Callie walking away, she always clung to the belief that Calliope had loved her. That she was to blame, her infidelity, her despair and anger after the amputation, her need to have something for her, something good that was just hers. All these things chipped away at Callie's love until the love that was left just wasn't enough. But now she knew the truth. The love she had for her wife did not compare to what Callie felt for her. Callies 'love' wasn't love. Not ever. She'd been right all those years ago. Callie loved being "in love" but that was it.

 

" How can you..."

"It's true. You love the idea of it but you have no idea what real love is. I loved you so much but you never..."

"Stop saying that!" she pushed her again. This time Arizona stood her ground. "You're the one who..."

"I know what I did. I know everything I did. Do you know what you did? I know who is to blame, Callie. Do you?" Arizona fell silent then, a shake of her head indicating she had nothing left to say. Nothing left to give. She turned away only to be pulled around roughly by the shoulder by Callie. 

" I loved you with everything I had, you ruined everything, you ruined me. You ruined love for me, Arizona! I will never love anyone the way I loved you, you made it too hard, impossible, you..."

"You walked away.You ran. That's not love. If you loved me you wouldn't have..."

Callie pushed her again, this time with more force; two hands on her shoulders. Arizona stumbled again just about managing to right herself.

"Stop saying that! I loved..."

"No. You didn't, you couldn't have and then do this." 

Something snapped in her at that moment. That's what a Counsellor told her after. That her actions in the next ten seconds were not deliberate, not the result of a decision to hurt, to injure, to... The police had a different version. They said she was fully in charge of her actions,that she wasn't rendered legally insane or incapable. Even if she expressed regret, felt deep remorse that was not a defence. That did not take away her culpability.

"Stop saying that!" And she pushed her again, this time violently so and Arizona only just about managed to stay on her feet as she was pushed backwards.

"No! you stop! I loved you. You, just you." And she pushed once more with all her might.

 

 

Years later all Callie Torres had to do was close her eyes and she could conjure up the moment with perfect clarity.

 

Arizona stumbling, falling backwards. The changing looks on her face as realisation dawned. That she was falling backwards, that she had run out of space. Floor met empty space as floor met stairs. Shock, realisation, fear. Arizona's hand thrusting outwards to grab hold of her, of anything at all to prevent the inevitable fall. Her strangled 'Callieeee...' ending only when her head hit solid ground and silence replaced her scream. Her tumble down the steps broken by the feet of two men walking up,one a pyjamas clad patient.

 

Right now, however, in the moment, nothing was clear. Nothing was real. It was just a horrible blurry nightmare.

 

"Arizona! No, no no..." She clambered down the steps and ignoring everything she knew about traumas, quickly cradled Arizona in her arms. Blue eyes fluttered open, her mouth opened as if to speak, then her entire body went limp in Callie's arms.

 

"Arizona! No, no no..." she saw the red viscous liquid forming, beginning to pool on the step. "Help me..." Now she was the one screaming,"...please somebody help my Arizona, please."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry folks :-(


	3. The Scream

Miranda Bailey sighed loudly into the silence of the now empty boardroom. Meetings were her least favourite part of being Chief and, these days, Board Meetings were her least favourite of all. The last few had been fraught due not to anything medical or administrative but the personal.

She swore if she could ban work romances altogether she would; work and love should not mix. She sighed as she thought of her latest argument this morning with Ben. Their's would be an entirely argument free blissfully happy relationship were she not his Chief and he a fool resident.

At least at Board level it would be better when Torres was gone and she'd found an adequate replacement Head of Ortho. Adequate was the best she could hope for as she scanned the resumės of the candidates. The Deputy ( and acting head from tomorrow) was fine, he'd benefitted greatly from Callie's tutelage but damn it she wanted better than just fine for her Hospital. She still found it incredible that she was losing Torres to a piece of....Miranda shook the thought away. It had been unprofessional when she'd spoken it out loud to Torres and it felt mean to think it now. She supposed Torres was in love and if so she wished her well. God knows the woman had enough heartbreak to last a lifetime. Still it had come as a surprise. Not least because,well frankly, Blake didn't seem her type. Or maybe she was actually. Blake was a good Doctor, hardworking, somewhat lacking in confidence but so determined to be the best she could be. She had a quiet gentle demeanour but with a sense of humour. She reminded her a little of George O'Malley but only a little. Maybe that was Torres type. Maybe Robbins had been the aberration.

Of course thinking of Torres meant thinking of Robbins. Had Avery hit the nail on the head? Were they going to lose Robbins too? Would she really chase Torres cross country and find a position on the East Coast? Robbins was as ambitious as they came. She couldn't see her chasing...Bailey stopped herself again and shook her head. No Robbins wouldn't give up her career, put her career on hold for a woman. 

Except ,Bailey realised,she had once before. For Torres. She had never really thought much about that before but the Carter Madison was as big as it got and Robbins had thrown it away. 

For Torres.

There was such anger and bitterness now between her friends. It was hard to imagine it was the same couple whose marriage she had officiated one blissful May Day only a few years before. They had seemed odds on to be the couple that made it. That navigated life's sometimes rocky shores together. They'd already sailed through and survived several storms together.

Turns out they'd ended up shipwrecked anyway.

 

Would Robbins give up anything for Torres now? Hardly.  
But for her daughter?   
Anything was possible.

And after all outside of her career what did Seattle hold for her now? Loyalty to the Hospital? To the staff? to her friends here? Bailey squirmed uncomfortably. She'd called it wrong. She'd supported Callie in the custody hearing because well she'd asked first. Told her how Arizona was using lawyers to take her Daughter from her, how she needed her support, as a friend. How Webber was supporting Robbins and how she was terrified that she would lose her daughter.

Somehow Miranda Bailey hadn't figured out that in supporting one she was doing the opposite to the other. That if she helped her friend to win it meant she was helping to ensure her other friend lost. She couldn't imagine what it would have been like for her if she had lost little Tuck to his father and his new wife. It simply never occurred to her that was exactly what Arizona was facing.

Somehow Miranda Bailey found herself wishing she had the emotional intelligence and foresight of Alex Karev. Finishing a distant second to Alex Karev on a question of moral judgement was a very uncomfortable place. Alex, of all people, figured out that being Switzerland was the honourable option in this impossible situation.

It was little consolation that she suspected, in some way, her testimony hadn't entirely helped Callie. As a high achieving career woman and mother, just as both Torres and Robbins were,she never expected the line of questioning about Robbins work schedule. It had appalled her. Callie's demeanour during it appalled her more. She hadn't been able to hide her distaste, not from the lawyer, the Judge or Torres. When she'd called her upon it afterwards Callie had shrugged her shoulders and said, "So? She started this. I would do whatever it takes to keep my child. She brought me to Court."

Miranda knew that Robbins would need support now just as she knew accepting help and support was not something that came easily to her friend. And she was her friend even if Robbins didn't believe that right now. From a practical point of view the only help she could give would be in scheduling as many free weekends as possible if Robbins needed them for visits to New York. But what would that give her? One jet lagged day with her daughter sandwiched between two fear filled flights. 

. She knew that Robbins had been approached by John Hopkins in Baltimore and Children's in Boston in the recent past. and that was when she had no incentive to leave Seattle. 

Yes, to answer her own question, Avery might well be right.

 

"Chief!, Chief Bailey! There's been an..." An out of breath Jo Wilson burst in, "...an accident. Or, or an incident."

"Wha-at?"

It's Robbins, she's ...." Wilson stopped, "...she's hurt...it ....Torres....it looks bad..."

 

"Wha-at?"

"Shepherd ,Grey and Kepner are taking her to surgery now."

 

********

 

Blake was the first to arrive, she'd only been a few feet away when 'it' happened. 

 

She'd just managed to get Callie to release her hold on Arizona when Karev and Kepner sprinted to the scene. They had been discussing the case Arizona had been working on all night or rather the legal wrangling that was likely to engulf the situation. 

"I hate this stuff, Ethics Committees and Lawyers. Especially Lawyers. The only good Lawyer is a Dead lawyer." Alex gruffly said.

"Alex! Anyway thats too easy", April replied, "blaming the lawyers. they're just doing their job. Acting on instructions."

"Vultures. Making a living out of other people's misery."

"No, they're like us a lot. Surgeons get blamed when the patient dies. Sometimes it is our fault, at least a little. But mostly it's because the cancer was too far advanced or the injuries sustained too much. But we deliver the bad news, they put their loved ones in our care and we have nothing to say except 'We tried.' The lawyers get involved because the people themselves have messed up, they're no more to blame for going to Court than we are for going into Theatre. People like to blame the lawyers because its easier than blaming themselves."

"Are we still talking about the dead Mother and her living foetuses or...."

 

April shrugged, "Jackson and me....we've agreed to keep the Lawyers out of it. We've agreed not to fight."

"Sometimes you've got no choice." Alex said, "Sometimes Poland gets invaded and you've got to declare War. Sometimes refusing to fight, being neutral is cowardly." Now that the battle was done he wondered if he'd been right. Torres was his friend but so was Robbins. And Robbins had lost and maybe if he'd done something, said something...

They heard the scream just as they turned the corner.

 

***********

 

Kepner took control. She was the trauma specialist after all. She barked out orders to passing interns, residents, keeping Arizona steady, stabilising her, talking to her even if she wasn't entirely sure she was capable of hearing. Callie sat there rendered seemingly mute, watching on helplessly as her friends worked on her ex- wife. Mute that was until as Kepner and Karev lifted Arizona onto a back board and Arizona moaned weakly. 

"You're hurting her, please don't hurt her." Callie pleaded sounding nothing like a surgeon and every bit the helpless onlooker.

April was about to explain, in some exasperation, exactly what was happening but stopped herself on catching a glimpse at the devastated brunettes face. She looked distraught and traumatised. She'd seen that look too many times out in the field. The relatives, the families. Shock and awe. Right now Callie was family. April frowned at the thought, or at least Callie seemed to think she was.

 

Amelia Shepherd was pulled out of a perfectly nice surgery to deal with an emergency. When she saw who her patient was she asked no questions, put out of her mind that Arizona was a friend and went into full Surgeon mode. It was clear that there had been a fall and certainly bones might be broken, other internal injuries might manifest but it was obvious that stabilising the head injury was priority. Kepner had stabilised her neck and spine though thankfully there did not appear to be any vertebrae or cord injury at first glance. She would always say that every patient got the same treatment. but still Robbins was one of their own, part of the Hospital family. She wanted the best of her colleagues around her in Theatre.

 

" Kepner, I need an assist, you okay with this or will I page Hunt?" Hunt had trained Kepner so despite her relationship with Owen she was happy with either. Still Kepner and Robbins were, mostly, best buds and that allied to Kepners condition meant Amelia was happy to give her an out.

 

It was barely a pause but Shepherd picked up on it. "Page Hunt, stat!"

 

"No! I'm in. I'm as good as this Hospital has and I'm her friend. She hasn't had all that many friends show up of late." April couldn't help but stare at Callie who still seemed in a trance, the barb seemingly not comprehended."She needs a friend in there, someone who won't give up on her."

Amelia refrained from pointing out that "giving up" on her patients wasn't exactly in her repertoire either. " Fine, page Grey, Webber and Bailey who ever turns up first scrubs in. We need to get to surgery,stat!"

 

*******

It had been a long shift for Dr. Jo Wilson and she was ready to go home. As she walked out of the elevator and into the Main Entrance Lobby she walked into a commotion. Dozens of people, staff, patients and visitors huddled in small groups whispering, all looking upwards.

"What's up? " She asked a bunch of the new interns she just about recognised. "Uhm....ah...well..." 

Wilson sighed. The new intake were surely the dimmest yet. 

"I saw it all, it was like in the movies,like it happened in slow motion" the man who spoke was elderly, grey haired at the sides, balding in the middle. He was wearing grey and navy pyjamas and was pushing a wheeled holder which held up a bag of saline solution. He seemed excited, as if all his Christmases had come at once.

"Yeah?" Jo asked.

"She pushed her. Murder One for certain. I mean if the Blonde is dead. Otherwise just attempted murder, I guess."

"What?" The man might have escaped from Psych for all she knew.

The man looked at her as if she might be slow and began to explain again, "this one Doctor, the brunette, good looking, pushed this other Doctor, the Blonde, seemed pretty,down the stairs. "

"What!" She looked up and caught her boyfriends eye through the crowd of people now seemingly working on the victim on the stairs.

"Jo! find the Chief, her pager is off, try the Boardroom. Tell her it's Robbins."

 

*******

 

As Arizona had been rushed away on a gurney Karev had asked "what the hell happened?" Blake opened her mouth to speak, then closed it. She'd seen what happened, seen all of it, heard all of it. And there was much to process. There would be time enough later to speak out or to stay silent. Right now nothing she could say would be of assistance to Robbins. Robbins was about to under go emergency life saving surgery. But what she said right now would make a difference to Callie. To Callie's future and her own. And even as Callie's words spoken in anger to Arizona but no less truthful for that ran on a loop in her brain "you ruined love for me, I will never love anyone the way I loved you." right now though she loved Callie and she was going to protect her.

 

"I need to get you cleaned up" she nudged Callie gently. Callie looked up as if seeing her there for the first time. "Penny?"

She smiled back, "Callie,you need to get you cleaned up". She stood up, her hand outstretched to help her girlfriend up but Karev asked again. 

"What happened? How did Robbins end up falling? One of you must have seen something, did she collapse? Should they be looking at an aneurysm or did she trip? What the hell happened?" 

"I...we..." Callie stuttered, "...I tried to catch her,but she just started to fall...I don't know what happened we were talking and...she just started to fall and..." Callie started to cry,"...she's going to be okay,right? Arizona is...she's the....she has to be okay."

Penny stared at her girlfriend, a little stunned. Was Callie lying to Karev or was she truly not remembering? Was the shock of the entire incident so great that she had no recollection of pushing the woman twice, maybe even thrice before the final shove that propelled her backwards down the stairs? One way or the other she needed to get Callie out of here and away from the milling crowds below and above.

"C'mon sweetie, we need to get you cleaned up?" Penny nodded at Callie's hands and scrubs, both stained red. Callie stared at her hands comprehension dawning but slowly. "Blood?" She looked quizzically at both of them before adding, "Oh God,that's, that's Arizona's blood. That's my Arizona's blood"

Karev had had his fill of crazy females to last a lifetime and Torres sure was exhibiting signs, "I'm going to go up to OR1 for an update. Bring her to the Attending's Lounge and get her cleaned up" and with that he was gone.

 

*********

 

Meredith Grey had just paid for her Skinny double shot Cappuccino and a cinnamon Muffin when the page came. Both were binned. A 911 page to OR1 had her scampering. She'd scrubbed in before she learned the identity of her patient.

The three surgeons had frequently worked together, usually chatting effortlessly. This time there was little conversation other than what was absolutely necessary as they each worked assessing all injuries and prioritising.

"3 fractured ribs"

"Dislocated scapula"

"Lacerations to left thigh, seemingly caused by the prosthetic as she fell"

"Laceration to spleen and liver, relatively minor"

There was really only the injuries to her face and skull that was of major concern but that was enough to be life threatening. An obvious Subdural Haemotoma required immediate attention and Amelia had already started on the craniotomy.

"You got this?" Kepner asked Amelia, "...it's Arizona....you have to..." Kepner was composed but nonetheless emotional, "...she's my friend and..."

Meredith soothed "She's all of our friend, we all..."

"Huh!" Kepner shook her head. She bowed her head again, re- concentrating on the repair of the splenic laceration.

" What's that supposed to mean?" Meredith questioned as she assisted Amelia, "Suction."

" You testified, Arizona lost her daughter, you do the math."

"That's not fair, Callie was just..."

" Sure, cause it's fair to lose your child, right?" April retorted.

"Ladies! I've got a piece of Arizona's skull sitting in a dish over there, a piece I'd like to put back as soon as possible. Which will only happen if I can find all bleeders." Amelia's tone left no room for doubt. "If I don't then your argument as to who is her best friend will be somewhat academic. So, please, either leave and take it to the playground, and send Hunt and Bailey in or play nice and let's save her life."

 

******

 

Bailey and Wilson made it to the OR floor the same time as Alex. Bailey, with mask over mouth, entered OR1 with trepidation. She'd done this too often. Watched friends,colleagues and family fight for their lives too many times. It had never before been Robbins even though, during the anxious wait for news of the plane and ( any) survivors made it felt as if it had been. By the time she'd heard of Robbins relapse all those years ago, she'd been saved. At the expense of a leg. As it turned out at the expense of far more than a gangrenous limb.

 

Now Robbins had somehow fallen down the stairs and her life was hanging by the thread, in the hands of a talented neurosurgeon. Wilson had spouted some secondhand gossip about Torres but that could not be true. Callie had her faults and god knows things were at an all time low between the two former wives but still. No. Just no. The Callie Torres she knew would never physically hurt anyone. She'd told Wilson to shut her mouth and repeat what she'd heard to no-one. Absolutely no-one.

 

 

"Alex, I'm just telling you what the man said. Don't shoot the messenger!"

"He said Torres threw Robbins down the stairs?" He was incredulous and pissed that his on/ off again girlfriend would repeat such crap.

"He said the attractive Brunette Doctor."

" Well maybe he meant Blake or..."

"Oh please, Penny's a flame haired ginger, her hair can be seen from space, she's no brunette. Besides Penny wouldn't push a feather down the stairs."

 

Bailey emerged with some positive news. Robbins was alive and Amelia was hopeful. Then again sometimes neurosurgeons were over hopeful, sometimes neurosurgeons had egos so large that they thought they were God, with power over life and death. But Grey and Kepner had not demurred. So for now she was going with Robbins would live, right now that was all she had.

 

 

"Did Torres do this?" 

"Alex!" Bailey and Wilson said in unison for different reasons.

Wilson shrugged sheepishly, " If I heard this so did half the staff. I heard one nurse say the Cops were on their way."

 

A hospital shooting, electrocutions, a plane crash to name but some. But never in her time had a staff member been accused of an intentional act of violence of this nature and certainly not to another stuff member. And these were no ordinary Staff members, these were Doctors, Chiefs, Board members. These were two of her most trusted friends.

 

"I'm going to find Torres. Don't breathe a word of this to anyone... " Bailey turned away, then turning back added to Wilson "... to anyone else."

 

******

 

"I need to be there, I need to know if she...." Callie was trying very hard not to breakdown completely. On one level she knew it wasn't fair to Penny but on the other hand what the hell did that matter when her wife, her Arizona, the mother of her child might die? What did Penny Blake's feelings matter if Arizona Robbins was lying lifeless on a gurney? What did anything or anyone matter right now except Arizona?

"Callie you can't go up there. You're not her...."

 

" I'm not her what? " she asked angrily. Penny didn't understand, how could she? She hadn't been here, hadn't seen them, hadn't known them. "I'm not her wife? you think I don't know that. I should....I need to be there...she would want me there..she would..."

 

"No, Callie!" Blake shouted back, trying to get the woman to see. She saw stuff now. Saw that her girlfriend still had a depth of feeling for the woman who had once been her wife. Feelings that had been hidden before, buried even but were now on the surface. Was it love or... It didn't matter right now. It didn't matter that whatever those feeling were they would most likely sweep away whatever feeling, emotions Callie had for her. That there still new, still young relationship would be no match for this latest tsunami that was about to hit. A tsunami that Callie had no knowledge of.

Hell, tsunami wasn't the right word for what Callie might shortly be facing. Arizona living, Arizona dying. It would make no difference. Callie Torres was about to face a shitstorm of epic proportions. One involving the Police and she seemed in total denial.

 

"Im sorry, sorry, I know this isn't fair but I...Arizona ..I loved her for so long, so much...I just....look we are going to New York together, but I can't go until I know that she'll be...I still..."

"Callie, stop! That's not important now, ok? Can you remember how Arizona fell?" 

 

"I...no...I told you...she just..."

 

" Callie, listen..." Penny's voice was low and soothing, "... this is really important, I think you need to get an Attorney, ok?"

 

" Why on earth would I need an attorney? What I need..." She was getting agitated at Penny now, "...is to find out how Arizona is, what I need is to get up to OR1 and..."

 

Penny took a deep breath, she was certain now that Callie didn't remember, that this was no act. And Callie needed to know so that she could protect herself. There was no time to waste, no time to break it gently. Penny knew now her next words were going to devastate her girlfriend. Were going to change everything. 

 

"Callie, my gorgeous Callie...." She took another deep breath, "... I saw what happened."

"I don't...what do you....saw what...?"

"Just before she fell, you and Arizona were..." she paused, "...arguing loudly."

"What? So? Me and Arizona have done nothing but for months now, I don't understand how this..."

"It seemed very heated, angry, you were angry, she was angry, you pushed her and..."

"No! What are you saying? Why would you...?" Callie shook her head but Penny could see the change. Could see the truth slowly and horribly dawning.

" She stumbled, you pushed again, she resisted...but then ...she was close to the stairs. I don't think either of you realized how close. I know it wasn't deliberate, I know you didn't..."

"Oh my God." Callie said , "I...I pushed her, I pushed Arizona down the stairs. And now she's..." She fell into silence, struck dumb by the awful truth. Eyes wide open, mouth wide open, head in hands. Like an Edvard Münch painting brought to life.

Her silent scream reverberating around the room. 

Engulfing them both.


	4. Trust and Faith

Calzona - The (Not a )Fairytale.

 

"Can you go up to the OR and find out what's happening? Please,Penny."

"I'm not leaving you all alone."

This, or a variant of it, had been their conversation for the last few minutes. Callie looked almost pale underneath her natural skin tone.

"I need to know how she is , if she's ...." Callie shook her head as if the very thought could be just shaken away, "...I need to know before I talk to the police."

"Callie, no! You can't talk to them without an attorney present. " Penny Blake didn't know much about the legal process but she'd watched enough episodes of Law and Order to know that her girlfriend needed an attorney. And she knew enough about her girlfriend to know that, if she didn't find a way to stop her, her natural impetuosity combined with the guilt that was dominating everything now would lead Callie to do something, say something, that could not later be undone.

"I don't need to 'lawyer up', Penny. God! I have to take responsibility for it." Arizona's words from earlier were running on a loop in her brain, "I know what I did. I know everything I did. Do you know what you did? I know who is to blame, Callie. Do you?"

"Callie, listen...you have to think about this..."  
"Penny..." Callie's voice was steady and sure but low, "..I know what I did, this time, I know what I did. I know what I have to do."

Penny Blake considered herself to be a good person. She was raised to obey the law, respect the Police. Believed in Crime and Punishment. When she was a little girl she believed in the Good Guys who battled against the Bad Guys. When she was a little girl the world was Black and White, Good v Evil, Goodies v Baddies. And the good Guys always won in the end. And the end was always happy.

Like all little girls Penny Blake grew up and discovered that her Black and White world had transformed into a world with infinite shades of grey. The good guys sometimes behaved badly, the bad guys could sometimes surprise you. And sometimes there were no bad guys.

And she knew what Callie had done, god all she had to do was close her eyes and she could see it replay; the shove, the stumble, the sickening thud as human skull made contact with the stair tread. 

She knew.  
But she also knew Callie.  
Loved Callie.  
Knew her to be a good guy.  
But then so was Arizona.

 

"Honey, look, if Dr. Robbins..."

"Arizona, her name is Arizona. She's a Mom, a daughter , a w-, a good person, she doesn't deserve, she didn't do anything..." Callie was agitated again, tears streaming down her face, "...I did. And I have to pay for..."

The series of loud knocks on the Attending's Lounge door startled them both, the two women looked at each other, Callie shivered with fear. Accepting one's fate was one thing, doing so fearlessly was quite another.

"It's probably just the Chief," Penny stood, squeezing Callie's hands as she did, "I'll check."

 

******

 

Miranda Bailey was quickly realizing this was one of those days. Up there with the day her son almost died. Up there with the day when she lied to a madman to save her life, even as she saw her colleagues get shot and die. Up there with that evening 4 years ago when news filtered through that her six colleagues and friends were missing, presumed dead, in a plane crash. Up there with that dreadful storm that came so close to taking the life of one of her closest friends and did take the life of a wonderful young Doctor.

 

There had been far too many of these days.

 

One of her closest friends was fighting for her life in surgery, again. This time, even if she survived, who knew what damage might have been done. And another of her closest friends might be responsible. 

 

She sighed. She didn't want this to be true, any of it. She needed to find Torres and then she'd know. Picking up her pager she quickly punched in the numbers as she made her way downstairs. 

 

Police were already arriving as she made her way across the mezzanine floor to where it had happened. People milling about, patients whom she could just smile at; staff whom she snarled a " have you nothing better to do?" at. Police already rolling out crime scene tape. Her pager bleeped back. It was Blake.

 

 

She recognized a familiar face and smiled. She suspected it came out as a frown.

 

"Detective Murphy."  
"Chief."

She directed him to a quiet spot where they wouldn't be disturbed.

 

"We received not one, but five emergency calls, ranging from a potential homicide to..."

"No-one's dead."

 

Wilbur Murphy released a deep, deep sigh of relief. "Well that's something anyway."

Grey Sloan Memorial was the main trauma hospital in his police district so he'd become very familiar with its halls and staff over the years. He'd been here anxiously awaiting news of an injured comrade too many times, been here to interview suspects more times than he could count. He was here too once before when it was the Crime scene, when multiple bodies lay strewn before him. 

And he lived only a few blocks away. His four children, their partners and his grandchildren all called Grey Sloan their hospital. His wife had undergone a Cholecystectomy here a few years ago, Dr Bailey had been the surgeon. His two eldest grandsons were High school Football players and both had been here more than once too. 

This was his hospital, these were his Doctors and Nurses. He hated the thought that one of them was hurt, even more that another of them might be responsible.

"What happened?"

"Isn't it your job to find out that?" Baileys response was curt and undeserved. Wilbur Murphy was a good man, a good cop who'd done nothing to deserve her attitude. She remembered their first meeting when she was a second year resident. Her patient was a young man, he looked like a child but was in fact 19, gunshots to the face and abdomen and one of the main suspects to a shooting of a cop. The cop was seriously injured but survived. At that time it had looked unlikely but Richard Webber and Preston Burke had worked their magic.

Wilbur Murphy had 21 years on the force and his colleague was fighting for his life.He wanted to interview the young punk and now. He hadn't bargained for the human force that was Miranda Bailey.

"He's my patient."

" Save your scalpel for someone who deserves it, he's a piece of scum with a rap sheet as long as.."

"He isn't fit for interrogation"

"By the time I'm finished with him I don't want him fit for.."

"No."

"Look, Miranda..." He'd seen her first name on her badge, " I get it...I'm a cop and this is a young kid and ...I get it...But Donald Johnson is one of us..." He'd gestured between them, expecting solidarity from someone who shared his skin tone. "..and a damn fine cop with a wife and...and this punk is an illegal, a Mexican, or something, He's not even an American, damn it. And..."

"He is my patient and this is my hospital. And I don't care if he's from Mexico, Montana or the Dark side of the Moon. I don't care if he is the Son of God or a drug dealer from Bogota. If I say he isn't fit for interrogation then he isn't fit for interrogation. Do you understand me?"

 

Over the years they'd met too many times, become friends in a way, friends who completely respected the other.

 

"Miranda..."

She sighed loudly, "I wasn't here...I didn't see...I can give you names and some details but I think....I hope...I think it was an accident."

 

A little later and it had been agreed that Wilbur and his team could interview anyone agreeing to be interviewed in her office. It made sense for patients and for those staff members who were clearly no more than spectators it was convenient too.

 

"...and CCTV footage?"

"Get a warrant, Wilbur."

 

"I hope Dr. Robbins will be ok. From what I've heard she's a lovely lady..."

"She is."

"My daughter in law had a problematic pregnancy, twins, last year...Dr. Robbins had to operate on her before they were born. I was against the surgery cause...well... they were too small...but Angela swore by this blonde woman, Arizona, right?"

Bailey nodded.

"Boys. Wilbur Jr is crawling now, Timothy is still figuring that part out but he"ll get there."

 

 

*******

 

She was just about to knock again when Blake emerged, tentatively poking her head out first before coming out and quickly closing the door behind her. She stood directly in front of the door effectively blocking it.

"Blake." Dr. Miranda Bailey had not earned the nickname 'the Nazi' for nothing.

 

Penny swallowed nervously, "Chief..." but stood her ground anyway. "How is she, is she...is Doctor Robbins dead?"

Miranda silently shook her head then added "..Dr.Shepherd is doing a craniotomy,she has other injuries but those aren't life threatening."

"Oh, thank God." Blake exhaled loudly. Relief showing in her face. "Callie, she's in a bad way...she didn't mean for this to happen, you know her....she's your friend, you know she would never intentionally hurt anyone..."

 

"Blake. Shut up. Do not say one more word." Until Blake had spoken Miranda had clung to the belief that the rumour mill at Grey Sloan had just outdid itself this time but now she knew and knowing changed everything. "The police are here, they will be interviewing all witnesses, I understand you were in the vicinity? They'll need to speak to Torres as soon as possible."

 

"Arizona isn't out of the woods yet..." Bailey spoke quietly but firmly, seeing Blake's face fall again, "...Shepherd's great but...if she survives, and everyone is praying she will...well then we won't know until she wakes up...TBI's are notoriously difficult to predict. Now can I see Torres?"

 

Blake nodded but didn't move leading Bailey to use her patented Nazi stare.

 

"She's not in a fit state to be questioned right now. I have to protect her, you're her friend and her Chief, you need to protect her, she needs..."

"I'm everyone's Chief." Bailey replied not hiding her rising anger which then subsided as she saw Penny almost crumble before her. She added softly "that includes Callie, and Arizona..." She reached out and tapped Blake's elbow "...and you."

Tears were streaming down Blake's face now "This is all my fault. I should have never applied for the Preminger or accepted it or let Callie come with me or..."

"This is not your fault. None of this mess is yours. And when you talk to the police you don't have to protect anyone. You have to tell them what you saw, what you heard. Nothing more, nothing less."

"But..."

"But nothing. Whatever happened out there was down to Robbins and Torres. No-one else."

"But I love her. I've never..."

"I know. But Robbins and Torres were, are..."

"The golden couple?" there was a hint of bitterness. " I know, I've heard..."

Bailey smiled then frowned. It wasn't the young Doctors fault that she'd found herself in the firing line between her two surgeons. All she'd done was fall in love and it was crystal clear that she loved Calliope Torres.

"They're complicated, Robbins and Torres. They always were in a way but they experienced more drama and heartache in a few years than any couple ever should. Their golden age..." Bailey shook her head, ".. if it ever existed, was a long time ago."

"What good will it do if Callie goes to prison? If Dr. Robbins doesn't make it or, or if she's..." Penny wondered which outcome would be worse for the Fetal surgeon, death or irreparable damage, " ..what will happen to Sofia then? Thats not what Dr. Robbins would want, Sofia losing both her Moms."

 

Bailey didn't have the answer but she knew that sometimes you had to trust the process and hope for the best. "Trust the process, Blake. Introduce yourself to Detective Murphy, tell him I sent you. Be honest."

 

Blake nodded and walked away, head bowed. Miranda could see she was wiping away tears as she went. She sighed, took a deep breath, and pushed open the door to where Torres was sitting, crouched in the corner of a couch, knees pulled up to her chest. She raised her head and when she saw it was her oldest friend in Seattle broke down completely. Miranda Bailey was the Chief, but she was also a friend. Sometimes those two things conflicted. She suspected that conflict would become more pronounced in the next few hours and days but right now there was no question, she was her friend. She rushed over to the stricken woman and pulled her into her, "Oh Callie."

That was all it took. The floodgates opened as Callie clung to her and began to cry. Anguished sobs interspersed with questions that she couldn't even finish, "Is she... have I... Is Arizona..."

"She's in surgery."

""Will she....is she going to...what's the..."

"Trust in the surgeons, honey. Meredith and April and Amelia. Your friends, Arizona's friends."

"What if she..." 

"No, no, no what ifs, we have to just wait and see, wait and pray."

 

Eventually Callie pulled away, the initial burst of emotion having passed, the next slowly building. 

"I don't know how this happened, I don't know how I could have done this, I just...I don't know how..."

"Sssh, don't say anything that I may have to repeat if questioned because..."

"Bailey...." Callie shook her head, "...I pushed Arizona down the stairs."

"Torres..." Miranda shook her head.

"I know what I've done. My, my..." She shook her head, squeezing her eyes closed, "... I pushed a woman down the stairs and she might die. Or have brain damage. A woman that I loved so much. So, so much. I've hurt her so much so many times and now I might actually have killed her."

"She's alive, she's ..."

Callie just shook her head and this time when the tears streamed down her face she was silent. She kept Bailey at arm length this time. As if she didn't deserve the comfort.

 

"She said I never loved her. She kept saying it. I got so angry. Do you think she believes that? Can she really think that I never...?" 

Bailey stayed silent. Of all the things that might have triggered the incident, the anger, she would have never imagined it would be that.

"I'll hand myself in. The police don't need to interview anyone else ... I'll tell them what happened but... I just need to see her first, to..."

"Arizona?" 

As Callie nodded Bailey just shook her head in incredulity.

 

"Bailey, I have too..." Callie's face contorted as a thought came to her," ..oh... Are you worried that I'll try to hurt her? I won't but you can be there or...."

"No! Callie that's not it...she's in surgery and then she'll be in recovery for....well you these types of injury are very unpredictable, it could be days or..."

"But I have to tell her Bailey, I have to. She has to know!" Callie was getting frantic so Bailey grabbed her hands and squeezed them gently

 

"Hey, hey, sshhh... What do you need to tell her. I'll tell her,ok?"

 

"Will you? Promise?" Callie stifled a sob as Bailey nodded. "That she's wrong. I did. So so much. More than anyone ever. She was supposed to be it. I thought we'd be together till one of just slipped away gently when we were really old. I used to pray it would be me because it would hurt so much if...but then I'd think she'd hurt if it were me and I never wanted her to feel that kind of pain again."

 

Bailey sighed loudly. She wanted to protect her friend from what was about to come but knew she could not. All she could do was pray that Robbins would survive and be okay. If that happened then there would be a chance that Torres too might survive, whatever might happen once the legal process got underway. But if Arizona died or was left severely disabled then the legal process would be immaterial. Torres would sink beneath her guilt.

 

"I don't think you should be interviewed by the Police right now."

 

"Bailey! Why is everyone... I might have murdered Arizona. Why doesn't anyone seem to get that? "

 

Bailey just shook her hear but Callie wasn't done.

"It doesn't matter that she's not..." Callie stopped in mid sentence, "...she couldn't bear to think that her beautiful ex-wife might right this minute be lying dead on an OR table., her blood staining the floor, the scrubs of the surgeons " ...I did this. I got angry and I pushed her and..."

"Did you mean to?"

"Push her?"

Callie nodded. She'd been in denial about too many things for too long. That ended now.

"To hurt her?"

Callie wasn't sure, she'd been so angry, an anger she'd never felt before and God knows Arizona had made her angry many times. This was different. She'd said that Callie had never loved her. kept saying it. All she'd wanted was for Arizona to take it back, to stop saying it and when she wouldn't...

"Yes." The shame was almost more audible than the single word.

 

It wasn't the answer Bailey wanted to hear but it was an answer she believed.

"So you wanted her to fall down the stairs? You wanted her to be badly hurt or ...?" Bailey knew she shouldn't be asking these questions but somehow she had to know. It still seemed unfathomable.

Callie's head shot up, "No! I didn't want her to get hurt or be hurt or...or fall down the stairs! I'm not a monster...." She shook her head, "...maybe I am."

"But you said you wanted to hurt her?"

" I wanted her to hurt. I didn't want her to be hurt."

Bailey looked on, not understanding. 

"What she was saying, that I never... That I didn't understand love, that I'd hurt Penny too...it hurt, all of it, and I wanted her to hurt too...but I never wanted to... we were nowhere near the stairs, I don't even understand... I just wanted her to feel the hurt I was feeling...God all we ever did was hurt each other and now..." And a fresh deluge of tears fell again.

 

Callie, You will have to talk to the Police and soon. I just think right now you owe it to yourself to get an attorney who can make this part easier for you. Things will start happening and once they do... Well I don't really know much about that side of things but..."

"Bailey, I pushed Arizona down the stairs." She just shook her head slowly.

 

" You owe it to yourself..."

"No, I owe it to Arizona to take my punishment and..."

"What about Sofia?"

Callie hadn't once thought about her daughter in this. Too consumed by guilt to imagine her little girl. Her little girl who right now was oblivious to all of this. Oblivious to the fact that everything she ever knew might be about to change. Her Mama dead, her mommy in prison. She'd just turned her daughter's life into a gruesome episode of Jerry Springer.

"I've been trying to take her away from her Mama and now maybe, maybe I've just taken her Mama away from her. Oh, God, Miranda, what have I done?"

 

**********

 

"...amen."

"Are you, are you....oh my God, you are! seriously Kepner? praying in my OR?"

They'd been in surgery for four hours. Apart from one hairy moment earlier when Arizona's b.p had suddenly plummeted it had gone as well as could be expected. They'd stabilized her and Amelia was now working on putting the skull flap back in place.

"So?"

"In my OR I am God, so if you're going to pray to anyone it should be me."

" Amelia, you're not God and if April wants to pray then let her..." Meredith interjected, still it was a bit weird to have a fellow surgeon openly praying in the OR. this was weird even for Kepner

April sighed loudly, she could have left the OR ten minutes ago when her work was done but she couldn't leave Arizona. It was stupid, she trusted the two women implicitly in the OR. But she couldn't leave her, not the way things were between them.

 

"She's my best friend."

Amelia softened, "And she's going to be okay. We've done it, we've got this."

 

"She told Jackson I was pregnant."

The two women chorused "We know." Arizona had pretty much asked all of them their opinion afterwards. 

 

"I told her I hated her."

"April, she understood, we all say things we don't mean when we're upset."

"And besides you two have kissed and made up, right?" Amelia grinned.

 

"I told her to go to hell. And I meant it."

 

"April..." Meredith whispered.

"I know you think that's just an expression, but for me it's not...I believe in Heaven and Hell and..."

"You guys made up. And..."

"I know, its just...she's my best friend. And Im having a baby and I don't know what that's going to be like....and I need my best friend around me and what if..."

 

"She's going to be fine. Because she had the three best surgeons in the room with her and she's a survivor and a fighter and..." Amelia paused " ...and maybe we had a little bit of help from Jesus too."

April smiled in gratitude.

"Now lets get her closed up and back into the ICU."


	5. "Stuck in a moment that you can't get out of"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (The name of the Chapter comes from the U2 song)

She watched from thirty feet away as Sofia, hoisted high in Penny's arms pointed out yet another plane taking off or landing. Penny had infinite patience with her daughter and Callie just knew, that one day, she would make a terrific Mom.

 

She sighed quietly as she watched and listened, listened as Sofia told Penny exactly how the plane landed. 

 

"...and then, see Penny, the wheels come down.....if there were no wheels, the plane would go bump, bump, bump and all the people inside could get hurted."

"And how do you know so much about planes, little Miss?" Penny was laughing but Callie heard something else in her tone too.

"My Mama. She teaches me about all sorts of things. My Mama says if you know how something works or why it does what it does then you won't be afraid of it. So she tells me all 'bout stuff like how planes stay up in the air and how bears are almost as scared of people as peoples are afraid of bears."

"Well your Mama is very wise and brave, I think." Penny spoke quietly enough, her mind very much on Sofia's mama as it had been for the last 48 hours. 

 

Sofia was still very much in the dark about the 'incident' and as she hadn't expected to see Arizona until she came to see her off at the Airport this morning hadn't asked any questions. Her blissful ignorance would last not very much longer as Callie intended to sit her down shortly and explain her Mama's absence.

 

"Sometimes Mama gets scared of things...but she says it's ok to be scared of stuff. Mama says that what matters is what you do when you're scared." Sofia nodded twice, two little bobs of her head that even Penny Blake recognized as one of Arizona's mannerisms.

 

Callie turned away, not wanting her daughter to see her tears, choosing instead to look out the large windows of the viewing deck at Sea-Tac. She decided that she really hated Airports.

 

Especially Departure Areas.   
Especially this Departure Area.

 

She had loved Airports when she was Sofia's age. Loved the whole excitement and glamour of it. The glamorous Air Stewardesses. She vaguely remembered telling her mother that's what she was going to be when she grew up. Remembered her and Aria dressing up as Pan - Am stewardesses, wearing their mothers heels, scarves and lots of her red lipstick.

There was no glamour left in Air Travel these days, it was all full body scanners and people removing their sweaty sneakers to stand in line. But she knew most of all why she hated Airports now and it had nothing to do with zealous security or foot odour.

 

Squeezing her eyes tight to prevent a rogue tear escaping, it fell anyway as yet another flash of Arizona falling materialized behind closed eyes. 

48 hours ago her biggest worry had been how she was going to pack all of Sofia's clothes and toys. As she'd packed Sofia's small suitcase this morning that earlier worry seemed to belong to someone else, someone with a different life.

48 hours ago she was planning a new life,in a new city, with a new love. She was leaving the past ( and everything and everyone in it) behind and she wasn't going to glance back. Now, 48 hours later, that old life looked wondrous certainly compared to the future.

She felt in her handbag for the corners of her passport and wondered if she was doing the right thing. For herself. For Penny. Most of all for Sofia. She didn't know. It felt right. It had felt right 2 days ago. Sofia's words to Penny repeated in her head, well Arizona's words really, "Sometimes Mama gets scared of things...but she says it's ok to be scared of stuff. Mama says that what matters is what you do when you're scared." And, God, but she was scared.

 

"United Flight 362 to Newark, Boarding at Gate 7" It was the first call, they still had time, a little time.

 

"Penny.....I ..."

"It's okay, I think ...I think we both said everything that needed to be said last night." Penny was determined not to cry.

"I love you." Callie knew that was true , she did love Penny. She'd tried not to fall in love this time but it snuck up on her all the same. It felt like a betrayal of sorts which was ridiculous. She'd been the one betrayed all those years ago yet falling in love again , with someone new, still seemed like a breaking of those vows. Those vows spoken in true love on a beautiful summers day more than 5 years ago. And yes this love felt very different and maybe that made it okay.

Penny nodded, "...and I am so in love with you, Calliope." Despite her best efforts her voice wavered.

"Penny..."

"It's okay."

"I'm sorry....maybe when all this is over...after ..."

"Like you said last night, Callie, it might be best to..." Penny inhaled deeply, exhaling slowly...Good Luck, Callie."

 

"Are you going in the plane now, Penny? Sofia had grown tired of her plane watching and had joined them again.

Penny nodded, glad for the distraction.

"I hope you make new friends in New York."

"I'll miss you so much, little Miss."

"Thats cause I'm awesome - that's what my Mama said - but she's not going to have to miss me now at all, cause I'm staying here at home with my Mama and My Mommy." Sofia's happiness was unconcealed. "Oh!" She gasped, "Does my Mama know I'm staying? Does she Mommy? She's going to be soo excited, can we go tell her now, Mommy? C'mon, let's go." Tugging on Callie's hand as she spoke rapidly.

"Sofia! You are being rude to Penny, we are here to say goodbye and..."

Penny shook her head, speaking softly, sadness evident "Sssh... It's okay...I'm not her Mama...maybe somehow this is all for the best. Bye, Sofia, bye Callie.Take care." And she turned and walked away towards the Departure gates.

 

There was no goodbye kiss, no breaking up embrace. They'd done and said it all the night before. In a jumble of tears and arguments and sex, both frantic and slow. They were over. They'd been over since the moment Arizona fell. 

She watched as Penny walked away pulling her suitcase behind her.

Same Airport.  
Same scene.  
Deja vu.

Last time she'd felt anger, pain, disbelief. This time she just felt numb.

 

All the way to the car park and then in the car Sofia chatted animatedly. The little girl who'd been uncharacteristically taciturn for the last few days now her normal chatterbox self. She'd only been told this morning that she was staying, that the big adventure was not now going to happen. Partly because arrangements needed to be made and partly because Callie knew that when she knew she'd want to talk to Arizona and Callie hadn't figured out quite how to tell Sofia about her Mama. 

Why Sofia couldn't tell her.  
Speak to her.  
See her.

 

Her happiness about not going to New York was breaking Callie's heart afresh. How she'd ever thought that taking Sofia away from Arizona would be okay, how she could ever have justified it.

 

Sofia, by her standards, had been almost mute since her holiday with Arizona. But now with the threat of New York banished she did what Callie had expected three nights earlier. 

 

Talk.  
Incessantly.  
About their holiday.  
What Mama did.  
What she did.  
About all the ice cream they ate.  
The rides they went on.  
The fun they had.

 

"... So Mama made me stand on my tippy toes and she smiled really big and said  
" see, Thomas..." that was the boys name in charge of the 'coaster ride, Mommy." Sofia took a much needed breath "..Sofia is tall enough" and the boys face went really funny and kinda red and he let me and Mama on."

Callie smiled despite it all. She could just imagine a spotty teenage boy being no match for Arizona's flirty charms.

"... The swimming pool was really big....and me and Mama were splashing and...."

Callie missed it. Missed watching Sofia and Arizona interact. The two of them always seemed to be laughing or plotting. She recalled DeLuca's words from the hearing about how the house was always filled with laughter when Sofia was there. She missed being part of that family even though she knew Arizona was equally not part of the family she herself had with Sofia, or the one she had wanted to build with Sofia and Penny.

"...Mama! Are you listening?"

Yes, Sofia."

"...okay, so then the Man said Mama's eyes were as blue as the sky and that her bikini was the same color as her lips. And Mama laughed and said he was barking up the wrong tree. I thought that was funny cause there were no trees in the pool."

 

And on, and on, until soon they were pulling up outside Meredith's house.

"Mommy, why are we at Zola's? I don't want to stay here, I want to go to see Mama and..."

Callie pulled in, removed her seatbelt and got out of the car only to scoot in beside Sofia in the back. Releasing Sofia from her seat and seatbelt she took a deep breath and began to tell her.

"Sofia...we can't go to see Mama because..." Her voice trembled but she tried to conceal it. She needed to be strong. For Sofia. She needed to do this.

"...Mama had, had...an..accident two days ago and..."

"What kind of accident?" Sofia might only be six but she recognized something was up, something not good. She was a very empathetic little girl. Arizona always said she got that from Callie.

Callie shook her head, she wasn't ready for those details. God knows Sofia would hear them eventually. "...and she got hurt, and now she's sleeping and..."

"Sleeping? like Willie?" Sofia's panic was clear in her voice and on her face.

"What? Who's Willie?"

"Mommy, Willie was our glass goldfish, 'member? Me and you took care of him one week?"

"Uh, right?"

"Then one day we got into class and Willie was lying on the top of the water and   
Miss MaryAnn said Willie was just sleeping and later she said he was gone to goldfish heaven and he never came back...." 

Sofia's face crumbled. She was only six but she knew stuff. Like that her Daddy had an accident and went to heaven. And that Uncle Derek had an accident and went to heaven. And that she and her Mommy had an accident when she was born and they almost went to heaven. And now her Mama had an accident and she was sleeping, like Willie the goldfish. But she didn't want her Mama to go to heaven.

"...I don't want Mama to go to heaven." Big tears fell down chubby cheeks

"Oh, honey, she won't..." she hugged Sofia in tight to her, "...she won't...I promise Mama will be..." she stopped , she couldn't promise that Arizona would be okay. She wasn't going to die, that much was clear. And she'd been waking up on and off for the last 24 hours but was heavily sedated. It was too early to tell if Arizona was going to fully recover or if she would be damaged or altered in some way. Too early to promise Sofia that her Mama would fully come back to her.

 

"Mama's not going to die, honey....she's just sleeping because she fell down and hurt her head really badly and Auntie Amelia and Auntie Meredith and Auntie April had to operate on her. And..."

"Is she like Jack?" Sofia was a little calmer and wiped at her eyes and nose with her sleeve.

"Jack? Who is..."

"Jack, Mommy!" Geez sometimes her Mommy didn't know a lot of stuff. "like Jack and Jill when he went up the hill and then he fell down and broke his crown. Did Mama break her crown too?"

 

Callie just nodded, and held her daughter tight. Holding Sofia made her feel like she could do this. All of this. Telling Sofia it would be okay made her feel like maybe it would. Comforting Sofia gave her comfort. They sat there for some time. Sofia didn't want to let her Mommy go, if she couldn't have Arizona then she wanted Callie. So they sat there, and Sofia held her tight and cried and asked over and over, "so she's really just sleeping. And she'll really wake up soon. And I'll be able to see her soon and everything will go back to normal." And Callie soothed her and herself.

 

There would be time to tell her the rest, a little time. That's what Detective Murphy had told her, what he had promised her when he explained the process.

 

She thought back to their meeting two days ago -

 

..................................

 

She'd persuaded Bailey she was fine. Persuaded her that yes, she wouldn't do anything rash, that she would contact an attorney. That she would take the small white pill Bailey prescribed for her shock and would try try to get some rest.  
Bailey for her part promised to update her on Arizona as soon as there was any news. Miranda, reassured by her, left. She had to try to put her Hospital back together, liaise with Detective Murphy,contact Arizona's parents, deal with any media interest and a million other things. In truth all she wanted to do was stand in that OR and demand of her surgeons that they save a life, Arizona's.

 

It sometimes seemed that they, each of them, were all destined to have disaster befall them. That each of them were taking part in a cursed relay race where the baton was passed from one to another. So many had died, so many others had watched helplessly as loved ones fought for survival. But the baton was supposed to pass and not come back round over and over. For Arizona the baton seemed more like a boomerang. Bailey shook her head. Robbins was tough, a survivor. But Bailey knew that survival came at a cost. And Robbins had lost enough, too much, already. She wasn't sure how much more loss Arizona could take, how much more survival was left in her.

 

Once Bailey left she had taken stock. The little white pill binned as a clear head was needed. The life she'd been leaving behind, the life she'd been going towards, both were over now. There was no going back to the past she'd shared with Arizona now. She'd thought that was well and truly over a long time ago but realized that only now was that life rendered impossibly inaccessible. 

 

There was no going forward to that other life either. Her actions today rendered that just as inaccessible now. 

So here she was. Stuck in the present. Stuck in the moment. 

 

All she knew now was that she had to do the right thing.   
No matter what the cost.  
But what if the highest cost was not paid by her but by others.  
What was the right thing to do then?

 

Arizona's words came to the fore.  
They'd not been together for so long and they'd only been together for five years in total yet it was Arizona's words.  
Not Penny's. Not her Father's years of wisdom.  
Arizona's words.

 

"I protect the things I love"  
"I'm a good man in a storm."

 

If Arizona survived, if Arizona recovered then nothing else really mattered. Sofia would be fine. She'd have her beloved Mama and she'd be fine. It wouldn't be easy for the little girl at first but she'd be fine. But if Arizona didn't survive, what then of Sofia? What then of their perfect little girl?

If Arizona survived, if Arizona recovered then it would just be a one day wonder in the media, another dozen a time story of ex lovers. But if she didn't then Penny would be dragged in to the middle of a sordid crime of passion saga; the truth would not be allowed to get in the way. Penny would be cast as "the other woman", the "evil stepmother". Penny, sweet kind Penny. She didn't deserve that, any of that.

If Arizona survived, if Arizona recovered then she would take her punishment, whatever that was. The loss of liberty, the loss of her career, the loss of her role as a Mother? But if Arizona did not survive? If she was responsible for that? Callie shook her head, as close as that possibility was right now, she could not countenance that. Not yet.

She lay back on the hard couch of the Attending's lounge. Trying to regulate her breathing, she needed to be calm now. For what she had to do next.

If Arizona survived she would save them all. Sofia, Penny, even herself. 

 

Things were clearer now, in a peculiar sort of way. Everything was clearer. The past few years were suddenly seen with the benefit of hindsight. The future as uncertain as it was, the path there was suddenly clear. 

She knew what she had to do.   
Whether Arizona survived or not she knew.  
She would be brave. She would be that "good man".  
Whether Arizona survived or not.  
She would accept the consequences of her actions.

 

She knocked twice on the door of Bailey's office then entered.

Detective Wilbur Murphy sat incongruously behind Miranda Baileys desk. Officer Joanie Wilkinson sat to one side. Penny Blake sat at the front, dabbing her eyes with a crumpled tissue.

All three heads looked up at the intrusion. Penny sighed but stayed silent.

"Detective Murphy?" Callie asked, her voice low but steady. When he nodded she continued, "My name is Callie Torres, Doctor Torres. I believe I'm the person that you want to talk to, the person you need to talk to, no one else is needed here."

 

Blake left, a comforting grip to Callie's left shoulder as Callie took her seat.

Callie took a deep breath and began again,

"My name is Dr. Callie Torres, I'm the head of Orthopaedic Surgery here at Grey Sloan Memorial. Until just over two years ago I was married to Dr. Arizona Robbins. We have a daughter, Sofia. She's six and she's... she means the world to both of us. We are the proudest two Moms on the planet. Today, this morning, I...we... were arguing and... I caused Arizona to fall down the stairs."

Callie stopped took a deep breath and waited. When Wilbur Murphy said nothing. She added, "Arizona was badly injured, she's in surgery. Because of me."

Wilbur Murphy just nodded.

"I did this."

 

Wilbur Murphy was not a man without compassion. He'd been on the job long enough to read people pretty well. He believed truly evil people existed, believed he'd interviewed men and women too that were beyond redemption. He believed in crime and punishment. In long prison sentences in tough prisons. In the death penalty too on occasion. But he'd seen good people too. Good people who did bad things. People who had just got stuck in a moment. He'd seen satisfaction in the eyes of wrongdoers when they'd avenged some earlier wrong. He'd seen apathy and emptiness. But he'd also seen remorse.

 

This Doctor Torres seemed like a good person, the remorse seemed nothing but real.  
But he was the Detective and that was all. His job was not to judge but to solve. His job was not to absolve but to assemble. And he would do this one by the book.

 

"Wilkinson... Read Dr. Torres her rights and we can begin."

 

They were pretty much done when Miranda Bailey burst unannounced into her office some time later, noticing only the occupant behind her desk, 

"Murphy, Dr. Robbins is out of surgery, she's in recovery, it will be sometime before she is awake, we will be keeping her heavily sedated for now due to the nature of her injuries but for now her surgeons are very pleased and hopeful. And I'm hopeful, very hopeful." 

 

Only when she was finished did she notice the other occupants.

"Callie?" Bailey shook her head, "You shouldn't be..." She looked at Murphy, "...she shouldn't be here without a lawyer, she has a right to an Attorney, she has..."

 

Murphy shook his head, "Dr. Torres has waived her rights."

 

She looked at Callie again who just shrugged her shoulders then smiling said, "Arizona is out of surgery? She's okay? Can I see her, can I see my...Arizona?"

 

Wilbur Murphy spoke in reply. "I'll be seeking a Court Order preventing Dr. Torres approaching Dr. Robbins until such time as I can interview her. I'd like to interview her as soon as possible so hat this can be wrapped up. Oh and Miranda, thanks for the CCTV footage."

 

............................................

 

She finally managed to leave Sofia behind in the capable hands of Maggie Pierce and her best friend Zola. Sofia was clingier than usual and to be honest so was she. So much so Sofia had to tell her to she was hugging her too tight.

Pierce had looked at her sadly, with those brown eyes of hers and told her it would be okay. It would all be okay.

"So you're going to hand in your Passport?"

"Yeah, it proves I'm not a flight risk."

"But you haven't been formally charged yet? With anything?"

"Maggie,I know what I did. Everyone knows what I did."

"Yeah but... When Arizona wakes up maybe she'll..."

"Arizona doesn't own me anything. After everything I've done I suspect when she wakes up she'll hate my guts." Callie replied, adding sadly, " I would." She shook her head, "...that's if she wakes up."

 

"Of course she will and Meredith said they're reducing the sedation today and she's woken up once or twice yesterday so..."

"I know... I just wish I could be there and talk to her just once and I hate the idea of her coming round and being all confused and alone and..."

 

"Well that's not going to happen..." Maggie shook her head " ...not with the 'Robbins Rota' April organized, right?"

"The Robbins Rota?"

 

"that's what the Nurses are calling it."

 

....................................

 

Two days ago once Arizona had been moved to a private room April had swung into action. She was determined her friend wasn't going to wake up alone, and that she would be greeted by a friend when she did wake up. She'd mentioned it to the Head Nurse in both Peds and Fetal Maternal Medicine and a few Doctors who were friendly with Arizona including de Luca, Karev and of course Webber. She'd hoped they'd be enough of them to have a 24/7 vigil for the first couple of days. If everyone did a few hours before or after their shifts it could be done. 

April had this big speech prepared about how Arizona deserved no less than this from them. How she'd been a good friend or boss or mentor to all of them. How she'd been handed a raw deal of late. How she shouldn't feel alone even if technically she was alone. How her parents lived several states away and anyway they couldn't be expected to do 24/7 at their age. April had a full arsenal of arguments to use. She was prepared to strong arm,cajole,bully and if necessary bribe to get what Arizona needed.

Turned out she didn't need any if it. People just said "yes". "Absolutely". "Sign me up." Turned out that Arizona had a village of her own. Right here at the Hospital. Nurses, porters, secretaries. Doctors,Prostheticians, Physios. There were too many even for the midnight shifts. Some had to be turned away, placated only by having their name taken as a stand in if someone was a no show. Turned out Arizona was not alone. April made a mental note to tell her when she woke up. To tell her just how many people cared. Some were surprising.

 

"What do you mean there's no room on the Rota for me?"

"The rota is full, Dr. Grey."

"Amelia just got a slot."

"Well she and Arizona go way back, they knew each other at Hopkins."

" We go way back too, we survived a plane crash together! Plane crash trumps residency."

"But Torres trumped Robbins, right...when it came down to it you testified..."

"oh come on April, that's not fair. Arizona is my friend too."

 

April just stared at her.

 

"Don't I deserve a chance to make it up to her too?"

April wavered, "fine, but you get the graveyard shift, 2-4 am."

"Thanks April."

 

 

..............................................

 

 

Bailey looked at the monitors again. She suspected Arizona would wake up shortly. She'd be in pain but mostly anesthetized against it by her pain meds. She'd be confused, disorientated. That was all to be expected.   
Bailey prayed that's all there would be. 

 

It had been over 48 hours since the surgery had ended. More than 52 hours since the fall. The police tape had been removed, the blood scrubbed from the stairs. The headline on page 4 of yesterday's Seattle Sentinel had been replaced by a small paragraph on page 6 today. Yesterday's news already. She supposed it would be different if Arizona had died. Then they'd have it turned into a sensation. Doctor kills colleague. Lesbian Doctors in fatal love triangle. The right wing press would have a field day. Instead it was just another assault case. One of dozens in the city that day alone. And if you classed it as Domestic Violence then it was probably just one of tens of dozens that day.

 

How the Police was going to treat it remained unclear. Wilbur Murphy was remaining tight lipped. But Torres already was walking around like a Dead Woman Walking. She was not allowed to see Arizona. She clearly wanted to but was obeying the rules.

 

She sighed again. She'd still not been able to make contact with Arizona's parents. Messages had been left at their home in Maryland, on cell phones. Contact had been made with friends. It turned out that the Colonel and his wife had gone to Vietnam and Laos for 4 weeks. And at some point were visiting parts of Vietnam where the Colonel had spent time in the '70s and some of these places were still very inaccessible and had little if any cellphone coverage. The only person who knew how to contact them was Arizona and even her cellphone had been totalled in the fall.  
At least now when they did make contact she would be able to tell them their daughter was alive. And hopefully awake.

 

Two days ago she'd been relieved to find that Arizona had made arrangements for an alternate Medical Attorney if her parents were unable to act.

 

 

...............................................

 

 

"Thompson, get me Dr. Robbins personnel file and I'll be in the Board Room as the Police are in my office. Oh and can you get a copy of the CCTV footage from Security. The police will need that too."

 

Arizona's next of kin, apart from Sofia who as a minor was too young, were her parents. And they were listed as her Medical Attorneys in the event of any accident or illness. April Kepner was listed as an alternate. Bailey gasped as she saw the last date amendments had been made. It was the second day of the custody hearing, the day after Callie's attorney had questioned Arizona's very status as a mother. Until then, despite everything, Callie had been listed as her primary Medical Attorney with her parents listed as alternates. She'd made other changes to her personnel record since the Divorce but had never removed Callie until the battle over Sofia.

 

Bailey knew the significance of that. The significance of trusting Callie with her life, with life altering decisions. Of still trusting the person who made the decision to amputate to make other decisions too. Of trusting still long after they'd divorced. Of the date when the trust finally seemed to have extinguished.

 

When she'd returned to the Boardroom after telling Murphy, and as it turned out Torres, that Arizona was out of surgery, she'd made another call too. As much as Robbins would need her parents now, so would Torres. 

 

 

......................................................

 

"Mmmmmrrggh...."  
"Arizona... It's okay..."

 

Mmmmmrrggh ....aaaah....."

 

"It's okay....Robbins... Just breathe Arizona... You're okay.... You're okay."

 

Arizona tried to open her eyes, tried make out her surroundings. Everything hurt. Everything was blurry. Nothing quite in focus. She closed her eyes again but tried something different. Relief flooded her body as she tried and succeeded to wiggle the toes on her right foot. Ironic relief again flooded her body when she tried and failed to repeat the experience with her left foot. So far, so normal. Relief and Pain so clearly something was not quite right with her stump. Repeating the process with both hands with success she then again tried to open her eyes again.

 

A very blurred face came into sight, a face that matched a voice, "Miranda?"


End file.
